I feel very stuck in my relationships. Every one of them. With my family, my friends, my boyfriend, and God. I know I have to keep moving forward, but I feel like I'm on a treadmill. Just going...with no direction. Lost and stuck. That's most definitely not a fun place to be in life.
There's few things that make me happy now. I think working upstairs on Sundays is actually one of them. There will always be one child who will make me smile because they light up when they see me. Little miss Theron is one of them. I just adore that child. Another one is not being complimented but a sense of self worth. For example; If a guy calls me hot, sure, I'm flattered, but being called beautiful and gorgeous is so much more meaningful. I feel my worth when I'm called that rather than just another woman in the world who people consider 'hot'. I'd rather not go into depth about it, because it's a heated subject with me. (No pun intended)
Also, I think to overcome one addiction of mine, I find another one. At this point, I overeat or spend money on worthless, pointless, useless, crap. This could be just as unhealthy as, erm, what I try not to do. I can't away...I lost it. But, that's another story for another day. My healthy coping mechanisms, I'd have to say, are baking and cleaning. Clutter is gone when I think too much, as I've said in another entry. But my obsession with baking has spread through the house so I don't get to bake nearly as much as I'd like. My little brother and older sister took it from me. :( I have to find something else now. Because when I clean, I get praised...this drives me c r a z y. And not a good crazy either. I don't know why but it irritates me when I clean and get "OH MY! You did so good!!" I am not a dog...I understand, I did good and you want to oogle over it. But please don't.
What is left for me to do? Now it's all just up to you.
I think that's his role. I'm decided. I'm just ready for him to answer and let me know.
one day you'll just be BEGGING for someone to compliment you, dont get upset when you clean and theyre proud! It beats the alternative right??
ReplyDeleteYou should start drawing again, btw. I loved looking at them!
1) You know that momma doesn't expect us to *actually* do what we're supposed to do. Like the other day she came to the back and said "Abby, go unload the dishwasher" and then two minutes later when Abby just laid there she went and I heard her unloading it herself. That oogling isn't oogling. It's taken me this long to learn that it's actual surprise. I still get it for things like "I already paid that bill, momma"....."OH REALLY?! OH MY! LOOK AT YOU BEING ACTUALLY SELF-SUFFICIENT!"
ReplyDeleteThank you. I am 25.
2) You may now clean my apartment and I will not thank you. Woot!
3) You'll stop getting "hot" and start getting "cute" soon (believe me, this doesn't have anything to do with your actual appearance but with the people giving the compliments), then get tired of that because you don't really understand what "cute" means beyond that cute little puppy and really? Is that what people think you look like? Who the heck wants to date a puppy? Is that why I don't have a boyfriend and/or he thinks other girls are "hot"? Is that ranked better than "cute"?! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
Just stop there. Don't try and understand any of it or you will waste years trying to do so.
4) Life happens when you least expect it. You'll wake up one day and literally wonder "How the heck did I get here?" I know that I do it a lot. I think about what I thought my life would be when I was 7.. 10... 15.... heck, even last year... and then here I am now. You'll do that too, I think everyone does.
Except maybe without the hospital stays.
5) I can look back now and count the hours I wasted trying to understand everything and I wish I had them back.
But I love you, and you have so many people who love you, including people that you don't even know exist... And that does count for something, Elly. It counts for more than we both know.
Sorry for the tome... It's been a LONG day (LOL, which you heard a lot about today) and days like these make me appreciate the great days, and the great family, that I take advantage of. We're the lucky ones, El.
-Courtney
i love your puppy comment. i had never thought of that. i bet dogs get tired of being talked to like that..lol.
ReplyDelete